I believe death is something we are not so oblivious about. Everyone knows one has to die, even things of no life perish. I hate it when I encounter the word death, for hearing such word meant losing my loved ones. I cannot imagine myself so lonely, so empty, without them. It is never easy to accept that they have to die. We all have to die. So I guess I have a valid reason to be afraid of death. That is, being lonely.
I have witnessed death myself. Sad to say, it is my brother's death. I realized, it is never easy to let go of someone whom you have spent your life with for years. It is never easy to accept that a person who is one of the people you treasure the most must go in an instant. It is never easy to be lonely, so lonely that you care less of your self and cry your heart out until the last tear drops from one's eyes. It is never easy to hear your parents' grievances for the lost of their son. It is never easy to pretend as if nothing happened. It is never easy to get on with a conversation about the death of a loved one. It is never easy to utter the same words about the cause of death of a loved one. It is never easy to say the words "I love you" to a person whom you think you haven't expressed your love ever.It is never easy to be pitied by people. It is never easy to deal with people with a snake for a tongue. It is never easy. I realized all these things upon the death of my brother. I knew that I am surrounded by people of every hue and material. Some are plastics, some are sympathetic, and some are blasphemous. But these things are just my sentiments.
It is said that one who fears death fears revelation. I do not fear God, for I believe I haven't done anything for me to fear facing Him. It is just that, I am afraid of not breathing, seeing myself lying in a coffin, hear the sober of my family and friends. I don't want to make things hard for them. I don't want to make them sad. Nor do I want to do the same things to them. I hate saying goodbye. To let go for me is a huge challenge.
After the death of my brother, I've been constantly dreaming of my friends' and family's death. The death of my elder brother, death of my cousin, death of my grandma and the most striking of all, the death of my father. I remember that night, when I woke up, sweating and gasping for air to breathe, and wailing about that dream. I was really afraid that the first thing I did was to check my dad if he's still alive. Thank God, he is very much alive. I was really afraid that I woke him up, and told him that I love him very much. I know this might sound too childish for you, but I am afraid to be left alone. Thanatopsis still haunts me in my dreams. Right before I sleep, the forum of multi-persons inside the conference room of my mind allots time thinking of what age will I die and how will I die. I imagine myself boxed in a huge shoe box-like white coffin, and wondering what I wear and how I look. I am frenzied about my death. Sometimes, I pinch my left hand to check if I'm still alive or not. Believe me, I do these things. But I must say, I am mentally healthy.
I believe I am of normal behavior. I assure you that. Still I can't get away with my thanatophobia. But I am trying to overcome this fear of mine and be enthusiastic for my most-awaited eye ball with God. When I read Ms. Estreller's article, I just took a deep breath and whispered, "oh well, it's not only me after all! Thank God, I'm normal!"
So this is a great entry for Friday the Thirteenth
13 July, 2007
Thanatophobia
scribbled by triZzZ at 9:39 PM
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2 Comments:
A friend once found me weird for thinking about the bus i was on crashing into another vehicle. He told me that death would be the last thing on his mind while on the bus...
i don't really fear death when it comes...but naturally, i would try to do something to save myself...
pero i am also thinking that when i die, i would be causing my family much grief, which is the last thing i would ever want to give them...
yun lang....i have seen visions of any of my family members' death and it gives me a lonely feeling. but afterall, we all would go through it...mourning is natural but fearing it not quite, i think...
hahaha, so you mean I am not normal? I think about those things too. I imagine myself lying on a city street,bloodied and cold, covered with newspaper as how I see it on TV. I even ask things like "will it be a news to everyone if I die?" You see, that's how much I fear death. There isn't a day I would not think about it.
The very fact that you'll be lying inside a coffin all alone, not breathing nor moving is scary. For me lang ha. But I guess this is just a result of living an earthly life.
It all started upon the death of my brother. It's not that I am blaming him or anything, it's just that it is the first time for me to go through a lost of a person very important to me. I don't want my family to esxperience the pain again, for I have witnessed how they had battled against it. What aggravated my fear is that, after the death of my brother, my father constantly tells us that if another one dies, he'll die next. That's why.
Yes death naturally comes but it is really hard dealing with it, especially if it brought you much pain and bitterness.
and so help me God.
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